Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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