If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
