I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
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