she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize