i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Randomize
