its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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