Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
