I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
