Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
