____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
