I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
