I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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