k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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