Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
