There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
