There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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