I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
