I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
