I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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