I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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