I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
