I just cut my nipple shaving
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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