Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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