On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize
