her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
