I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just gift wrapped bread.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
