I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
