On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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