Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
