I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
