i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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