You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
