Ketchup is God's man juice
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Randomize
