Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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