I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
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