sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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