So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
