we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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