do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize