Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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