Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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