i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm at about main and main street
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I am available for nakedness
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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