I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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