it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
