Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
