Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
