i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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