Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
