Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
