Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
why do cheetos always look like penises
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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