jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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