Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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