I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We need to get me chipped asap
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
