When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
