i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
