i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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